Why "We Are the World" Is the Worst Song Ever Written

First of all, before I embark on this rant I must bow publicly to the infinitely smarter and more articulate Greil Marcus, whose "Number One with a Bullet" said everything about "We Are the World" that needs to be said back when the original version was released in 1985. That version of the Worst Song Ever Written featured the full register of pop royalty circa 1985: Lionel Richie, Michael Jackson, Ray Charles, Bruce Springsteen, Huey Lewis, Kim Carnes, Bob Dylan, Willie Nelson -- even Cyndi Lauper. It was recorded as a charity project in support of African famine relief.

Since asserting publicly that "We Are the World" is the worst song ever written, I've had several people ask me, quite reasonably, why I think that. Is it really a more obnoxious song than "You're Having My Baby"? Is it more bathetic than "The Night Chicago Died" or sillier than "Footloose"?

My answer is that while each of those songs is arguably dumber than "We Are the World," none of them beats it on all of the following Criteria of Revulsion:

Self-congratulation

This is not a song about people in need. Rather, it's a song about the invincibility of goodhearted pop singers. "When you're down and out, there seems no hope at all," the participants sing -- and then Huey Lewis steps up to the mic, clenches his fist, squeezes his eyes shut and delivers the punchline: "But if you just believe there's no way we can fail!" Right, because aid programs never, ever fail, and neither do pop singers. Also: if all I have to do is believe, then why would I donate money?

Self-importance

Really, the song title says it all, even as it says nothing. "We are the world"? What does that actually mean? The answer is that it means nothing by meaning everything, and it means everything by meaning nothing. It's a classic example -- maybe even the pure, distilled essence -- of meaninglessly resonant rhetoric. It's a phrase designed to shut down thought by making anyone who questions it look like a curmudgeon and a crank, while simultaneously stimulating the feel-good glands of everyone involved in the project. But since this is a pop song, that kind of rhetorical emptiness is excusable. What's inexcusable is...

Confusion of Selves with the Victims in Question

As Marcus pointed out in his 1985 essay, the key lines of "We Are the World" are "There's a choice we're making/We're saving our own lives." What, for crying out loud, did the songwriters believe they were actually saying by repeating these lines over and over? Is the message "You'd better buy this record, because the profits will go to feed starving children in Africa and if they die, we all die"? (If so, the song is absurd.) Was it that by giving of ourselves, we achieve some kind of salvation? (If so, the song is unforgivably coy.) But what's ultimately so awful about this aspect of the song is the fact that all it talks about is the singers. If you didn't know the backstory, you would never guess what the song's point is, or who it was intended to help. Even the song's multiple references to "the children" don't help in this regard, since Michael Jackson was one of the songwriters and he mentioned "the children" every time he opened his mouth.

Pure Concentration of Cliché

Every single line of this song either contains a cliché or consists entirely of a cliché. Don't take my word for it; check for yourself.

Confusion of Jesus with Satan

If you're going to invoke God in a song, it's probably a good idea not to get him confused with Satan. With the line "And God has shown us by turning stones to bread" (shown us what? they never say), songwriters Michael Jackson and Lionel Richie were probably thinking of the miracle of the loaves and fishes, but accidentally referred instead to Christ's period of fasting and temptation in the wilderness, when Satan suggested that he turn stones into bread to relieve his hunger. For the record, Christ refused. Folks of a Christian persuasion are going to find this particular gaffe fairly offensive on a theological level; everyone else can be offended at a literary one.

Cyndi Lauper's Solo

See/hear for yourself.

"We Are the World: 25 for Haiti," a 25th-anniversary remake of the Worst Song Ever Written, is scheduled to be released on February 12, as part of the opening festivities for the Winter Olympics. If it actually generates money that actually succeeds in relieving some of the horrible suffering in Haiti, then tant mieux. But it won't make the song itself any less terrible.