Not Expressing Myself Through Music

For some reason, I've been thinking a lot lately about self-expression. I've always struggled with the fact that I can't write songs and can barely write instrumental music -- I've written a few fiddle tunes and a couple of them are pretty good, but basically I'm not one of those people who has music inside of him bursting to get out. I love music, music is a huge part of who I am, but not the way it is for a composer or a songwriter. Basically I'm just a guy who loves it, who has a pretty good sense of pitch and of time, and who has a facility for playing instruments.

What I've finally come to terms with is this: for me, music just really isn't a matter of self-expression. If you hear me play a Quebecois fiddle tune on the banjo or an Irish tune on the flute, or sing the tenor part to a hymn, you're not going to learn anything about my Inner Self. For me, playing a tune is not a way to express who I am deep inside; it's more like finding a beautiful shell on the beach and showing it to someone. It's not that my playing says nothing about me, only that what it might say about me is both incidental and kind of beside the point. I think that's why it always confuses (and, frankly, irritates) me a little bit when people ask me why I don't smile when I'm playing. Smile? Why are you paying attention to my face? Listen to the tune -- the tune is the point. What matters is the music, not whether or not I'm enjoying myself.

Though the fact is that when I'm playing, if I'm playing well and the tune seems to be coming out without any conscious effort on my part, then I really am enjoying myself, tremendously. That fact probably says something about who I am -- but the tune I'm playing doesn't.